I don't cry

I don't cry anymore... I'm pretty normal actually, not very emotional, sometimes I feel guilty and I force my mind to think of my dad, but the sadness doesn't come. It's okay... this is life, the next chapter of our lives will be defined by cancer, I can handle it.
My father began the preliminaries to begin a chemotherapy regimen. 5-FU. He told me the name so I could research it and give him all the details. I'd rather pluck my eyebrows out than do what I've been asked. I know its poison, I know even though this supposedly has mild side effects, they're probably still on par with rat poison.
Whereas before I'd read about drugs and look at their side effects as obscure statistics that happen to a certain percentage of the population taking the drug, now each word has my father's image attached to it.
Here's the list:
acute cerebellar syndrome
• agranulocytosis
• alopecia
• anemia
• angina
• anorexia
• ataxia
• bowel ischemia
• chest pain (unspecified)
• confusion
• conjunctivitis
• contact dermatitis
• coronary vasospasm
• diarrhea
• drowsiness
• erythema
• esophagitis
• fetal abortion
• GI bleeding
• hepatitis
• injection site reaction
• jaundice
• lacrimation
• leukocytosis
• leukopenia
• maculopapular rash
• myocardial infarction
• nausea/vomiting
• neutropenia
• nystagmus
• ocular irritation
• palmar-plantar erythrodysesthesia (hand and foot syndrome)
• palpitations
• pancytopenia
• photosensitivity
• pruritus
• pulmonary embolism
• skin erosion
• skin hyperpigmentation
• skin irritation
• skin ulcer
• ST-T wave changes
• stomatitis
• teratogenesis
• thrombocytopenia
• thromboembolism
• ventricular tachycardia

Believe me you're the lucky one, if you don't know the definition to most of these words. Even though cancer's touched other members of my family, at least for me, only now that its someone as close to me as my father, due I appreciate the horror. I can see now why so many are dedicated to find a cure and work so hard to help those affected by this disease.
On the other hand, having gone through the rollercoaster of the past week, I feel like the experience should be a prerequisite for becoming a doctor. My eyes have opened to a whole new world, not just in regards to cancer, but to the emotions related to any lethal diagnosis. They teach us early on in Medical school to be emphatic to our patients dilemmas, but how can you be if you don't understand. Obviously as I've state early I can't imagine what my father feels, but I know now what the family members have to deal with, and the doctors role in attending to needs of family members is often tragically overlooked.
Another realization I made last night was that I'm a coward for making an excuse of this situation to not study. The past week every time I'd sit down and open a book, I'd loose concentration and get up, telling myself, "it's not my fault I can't concentrate right now." Human nature is to use situations of grief to make excuses to not live up to responsibilities. I'm glad I made this realization early on...